Progress

This week has been a good one. All the paperwork for R is submitted, and will hopefully be finished and ready in 6 weeks or so. Mine took 5 weeks, once the IND had all the documents. That puts us right on track for moving R and the dogs here soon after the new year, which is awesome! R has found a possible service that would take care of flying the dogs here for us, so we're hoping they aren't too expensive. That'd be way easier than moving them ourselves. The bank is crawling along with the short sale paperwork, but we can sign things from a distance if they don't hurry it up. I'm unconcerned with inconveniencing them.

On top of all that, my model's working again! Yay for that! A colleague directed me to where the overfull server was, so I was able to delete a bunch of stuff I don't need anymore. Tomorrow I can run some interesting tests, to look at the performance of a promising cloud scheme change. Then I just need to convince NCL to plot nicely for me, which may take some doing. It's well documented though, so I'm currently optimistic.

I'm very much looking forward to MM's visit tomorrow as well. So overall, even with getting rained on 4 times in 3 days, and biking through the scary Fog of No Visibility, this has been a very awesome week.

Culture Shock, or, How I Learned to Enable Sexism Without Even Noticing

We had a department meeting last week. Sub-department, I suppose, since my group is only part of multi-scale physics. The point was to update everyone on what we were all doing, since we're a group of two profs, an adjunct, 6 PhDs and one remaining MS student (most of them graduated this summer, and the next group isn't here yet). I have spent the past six months trying, among learning new software while everyone was on holiday for two months and coping with this whole moving thing, to figure out what I'm actually studying. I'm still not sure, to be honest. Eventually I'll be working with another PhD, incorporating his large-eddy-simulation results into my model to try and improve it, but a lot of things need to happen first. For instance, the academic idealized-case not-tied-to-weather-observations version of my model needs to be finished. Or, um, started? It's behind schedule. But anyway.

So I went to the meeting feeling very awkward, because my accomplishments are learning to use some software, and some sensitivity tests that I'm still analyzing, so I really didn't have anything I thought was worth talking about. To be fair, it absolutely did NOT help that I was busy getting sick and learning that sinus headaches can trigger migraines, but still. A lot of that is due to my own tendency to consider my work inferior, not good enough, whatever, if it isn't amazing. I don't know how much of that is me, and how much is imposed, but I'm working on it. The profs filled us in on a couple new PhDs who will be joining us shortly, and some new projects they're looking in to, and some office politics, and then we all got some time to talk. The other talks ranged from 10 to 30 minutes, although a lot of that is because Dutch people just like to talk and rehash stuff like you wouldn't believe. Consensus is huge here. Because I felt like my accomplishments were non existant, I had a very short summary of what I've been doing. Like, 2 minutes, maybe. (Incidentally, I'm blaming this mostly on being sick, because now that I'm getting over the cold I've thought of stuff I could have talked about.) When the MS student asked for more background on my project, since he wasn't familiar with my model and I was absolutely not at my most coherent, I was very tentative in explaining, and looked for confirmation from the profs a lot. At one point, one of them said, "You know that!" and I had an epiphany.

I have never, in this kind of small group setting, been encouraged to be an authority. I could have the test results, but it wasn't up to me to explain them. I could offer an opinion, but not an argument. One on one, I'm fine. Giving a presentation to a crowd, I'm fine. But a small group without a clear structure has me unsure and afraid to speak up.

That in and of itself is pretty good to know. After all, I can't fix something without defining the problem. But what really struck me was how I had to move to Holland to even NOTICE that I do this. I'm pretty introspective, and you'd think at some point I would have maybe noticed how I get super nervous before informal meetings, how I can take charge of project groups with 4 or 5 people (or friends) in them but sit silently in a group of 8, how I blush and stammer and lose my train of thought in a small group but get through presentations to a large crowd with a smile. This is not subtle. I am awkward only in certain situations. Move me to a purely social gathering with the same group of people, and I'm fine (if they speak in English, anyway) and have fun.

Because I am introspective, I wondered why I do this. It's kind of weird, after all. A hint came from my taking charge in tiny groups. I will take charge only if no one else does. If someone else wants to be in charge, I'm not going to fight for it, even if I think they'll suck at it.

I am babying other people's egos. Specifically, I am babying other guys' egos, because I absolutely do not do this in all woman groups. I do not claim any authority, even when I should, if it means threatening a guy's sense of superiority. As a feminist, this makes me sad. I know better. If someone gets all upset because a woman knows more about a subject, or disagrees, or has an alternative idea, or moves outside typical gender roles, that's his problem, not mine.

Except when he makes it my problem.

The kind of guy who finds me threatening is the kind of guy who can't let that go. If he could accept that there's a woman who is better at/more knowledgeable of something than he is, he wouldn't be threatened in the first place. He has to put me back in my place, and reestablish his awesomeness by virtue of a Y chromosome, and that's usually, at the least, irritating as hell. Doing homework with the Aeroboys, after a couple months I was very selective in who to show a possible solution to. Because one of them simply couldn't accept that I had figured out the problem, especially if he was working on the same one. Working on a different problem was another strategy I employed, in fact, because there was never enough time for everyone to solve them all. If I offered a solution to this one, he would argue over random points until one of the other Aeroboys sided with me. He'd re-explain the solution to me, as if I wasn't the one to figure it out. Or he'd sulk, and as someone who's a born hostess, I have a lot of trouble ignoring that sort of thing. Given that I didn't recognize the behavior for what it was for quite a while, and lacked the concepts to explain why it was stupid for even longer, ignoring his displeasure was even worse. Eventually, after he either got bored with it or decided he'd been restored to superiority or whatever, he'd be back to normal and deny anything was ever wrong. It was tiring, it was impossible (then) to explain why it bothered me, and I knew perfectly well he wasn't going to take responsibility for his own issues anyway, so I, without ever really thinking about it, started accomodating him. I let the other guys check my work and explain the solutions to him. I made coffee, and sandwiches, and accepted the nickname of "Mom" and generally did my best to appear non threatening. Asking questions to present an idea, double checking stuff more often than I needed to, that sort of thing. It makes me sad to think about. Although, there was a guy of similar temperament but greater misogyny (seriously, you have no idea. His blatant sexism defeated my good manners more than once) in my grad school homework group and standing up for my work when I knew I was right didn't do any good. He once argued with me for nearly an hour over how to use the chain rule when taking the derivative of a product, and was undeterred by both the rest of the group eventually siding with me and a calculus textbook, and opted to turn in his homework with an obviously wrong solution rather than admit I was right. And honestly, I don't have it in me to fight that all the time. In more subtle ways, too, grad school guy strove to keep the other woman and I in our places at all times. From hitting on her incessantly (I was engaged by then, thankfully) despite her repeated "no" and protests, to merely implying we weren't capable enough to do "real" science (or take charge of our lives in any way), he made our lives unpleasant whenever he wandered into them, and we developed a lot of avoidance strategies, babying his ego instead of confronting him for being sexist, immature, and ignorant.

I'm a little disappointed in myself for that.

And now I'm in Holland, where I apparently don't have to baby egos at all, and in fact they'd prefer I be an (and speak with) authority on my research. I am no longer a threat. This is hands down the biggest culture shock yet. I may never leave.

Now I just have to figure out how to deprogram myself.

House Auction Fail

The house auction was a smashing failure, with the final bid coming in at $50k below what we paid for the place, and a bit below what we owe on it. The next step is trying to convince the bank that they should take the short sale, because our savings have all been dumped into trying to sell the thing. The backup plan for that is to just leave and ruin our credit, which I was thinking would be horribly awful, but then I realized that since we did everything right; taking out a reasonable loan we could afford, living within our means, trying to save something (this works better if you don't get laid off 8 months after paying off your very reasonable wedding expenses) that it's entirely the banks' fault we're in this situation anyway. On Skype last night, R mentioned we need to write a letter explaining things to the bank. I like this one:

dear bank,
because you and your cohorts bought a bunch of politicians before we were born in order to deregulate your market so you could make pretend money and thereby destroyed the economy, we can no longer pay you for this house. maybe if you had been less greedy the extensive layoffs destroying both our income and the housing market would not have been necessary. This is the best you'll get, so take it.
with absolutely no love, me

Today is not a good day, and I'm very frustrated. So I thought I'd make a list of some things I'm grateful for, in an attempt to change my perspective a little bit.

1. I live in Holland, where the financial sector is heavily regulated.
2. My friends are pretty awesome.
3. I have enough money for food, heat, and shelter.
4. I have extra money in fact, for travel, comfort, and fun.
5. My family is pretty awesome too.
6. I have access to good healthcare.
7. I got a job I like, related to my field, even though the economy is very very broken.
8. Things won't suck this much forever, and I can always earn more money.

Neat stuff

I went to a really neat presentation yesterday about using magnetic particles and fields to target dangerous medicines in just the part of the body where they're needed. I had no idea this sort of research was even happening, but it's pretty awesome. The presentation was about modeling flow through veins, with I would assume a goal of finding out how much magnetic force would be required to keep the medicine covered magnetic particles in place, resisting blood flow once they got to the tumor or whatever. Really cool stuff, and definitely the most accessible of our mini presentation series thus far.

Wheels

I am still suprised by how much I missed biking while I was in the States. It's so much more fun than driving places, and today was perfect weather for it. Granted, that time I got caught in a sudden, very cold, downpour, I did wish for a car, but overall I really like the bike better. There's something very satisfying to me about moving under my own power, and it's a really relaxing way to get around, while still being a decent light cardio activity. If I get lost, it's much easier to turn around and try again than in a car, parking is certainly easier, and it's a nice way to exercise without exercising. I've never enjoyed walking on a treadmill or using a stationary bike, because it seems so pointless. I mean, it's kind of silly to walk 4 miles to nowhere, when you could walk 2 miles to somewhere and back again. I really like how biking everywhere incorporates bits of exercise into my day without making it about exercise. It can be hard to stay motivated to go to the gym; it's easy to bike to work and shops and back, because how else will I get there? It's quicker to bike than take public transport from my apartment. I'm not terribly concerned about cold temperatures, because winter is pretty mild here, and I have wool socks and merino scarves and I'm planning on alpaca gloves. Next spring, I'm planning to try out some of the country bike trails, and see how I do on longer rides. This place is covered in bike paths, and taking my bike up to the tulip fields to ride through them sounds particularly appealing.

Note: Photos taken by W when he and MM came to visit. Top photo is MM and I biking, bottom photo is my bike, which is awesome.

The Right Choice

R and I have done long distance before, so I'm pretty well used to it. This past trip was different though, because I didn't cry at all when we had to separate again. Before now, I always have, and when I moved here, I cried a lot. Mostly because it was terrifying to move across an ocean to a new country, to start a job with people I'd talked on the phone with twice, to move in with roommates I only knew via email and facebook, and to leave R and the dogs behind to do it. I'm still pretty impressed that I chose to make this move in the first place, because there were definitely less scary options available.

This time, though, the only part of the return trip I dreaded was the actual trip, which was moderately un-fun, although way better than my last trans Atlantic adventure. I was looking forward to coming back to roommates that are friends, and a job that's awesome, and colleagues who are pretty awesome too. And I'll admit, escaping the heat and humidity was pretty thrilling. But I've been happy with my life and still cried when leaving every time before, when I was in grad school the first time.

This time, I think the difference is that I really truly love my life here in Holland, and while it would be better with R and the dogs, it's still pretty good without them. For the first time, I actually wanted to leave, because I'm excited about the next step in my research, and I missed my roommates, and I really missed the cool weather and my bike. Granted, I didn't actually go to work today, but I did sleep for 14 straight hours, so I think my body was busy recovering from my vacation. My very small bedroom feels more like home than the accursed house that hasn't sold yet. It also helps that we're planning to move R and the dogs after the winter holidays, so there's only a few more months of long-distance to go. His paperwork should be done by then, especially since he won't need the MVV and can skip that entire part of the process. Of course, we'll be adding all the fun of doggie passports and tranquilizers and crates to make up for it.

Not crying when leaving my best friend and my canine family behind tells me that moving here was absolutely the right thing to do. Leaving industry for academia was the right thing too, and that's very comforting, considering the salary differences. So weirdly, I'm grateful for being laid off, because I think my current life is a much better fit. I liked my old job, but I like my new one a lot better. I very much prefer my new city, particularly the bike-ability, and the charm, and the public transportation, and the little things, like flowers planted along the bike paths. And did I mention my hatred of hot weather?

How not to end a vacation

25 hours in airports and airplanes. That's a lot of hours. It is, in fact, 4 inches of a sock that both my feet fit in, ripping the sock back, trying again for 2 inches with the right size but horrible colour pooling, 2 entire Dwarrowdelf repeats, 3 Eddings books, and a 45 minute nap. I flew back via 4 cities and two airlines, and 3 countries, and now I'm very tired.

The vacation was lovely though. MM and W got married, and the wedding was beautiful and sweet and lots of fun. All the pre-parties were fun too, although exhausting, since I plunged straight into them after 1 night's sleep. Jet lag plus busy days keeps things interesting. I also attended my first professional baseball game (the very creative rehearsal dinner) and it turns out I think baseball is boring in person too.

The day after the wedding, rather than relaxing, R and I flew back to KS for a week of hanging out with the dogs. I got bumped to first class, and actually felt like I had enough room. That was excellent. Mom 1.0 and B came to visit for a couple days, and we sent a vanload of stuff back to Parents 1.o's house to store until we can ship it here. The puppies were super happy to see me!

We attended opening night of Macbeth, got my wedding ring sized up so I can wear it again, brushed Quasar until all the matted fur was gone, and shared lots of chocolate. It was a good trip, although a little short.

Unending Stairs and Schoolbus Kitchens

Following a dreary rainy week and a rushed attempt to produce a status report at work (and seriously, who emails on Monday morning asking for a report by Monday AFTERNOON?!?!? The liaison to my project funding, that's who.), I have had an awesome weekend of touristy goodness with MM and her lovely almost husband (in fact, I'll be at their wedding in a week) W.

First off, I might have gotten us just a little lost, when my brain combined the way to the city centre with the way to IKEA, which paths aren't really even a little bit convergent. Luckily, Delft is the size of a postage stamp, and it was perfect weather for a bike ride anyway. We walked through the antiques market, parked our bikes, and started our tour of really beautiful old churches. We went to the Oude Kerk (translation; Old Church) which was built in 1605, and is just a little tilted these days. Then we went to the Nieuwe Kerk, which means "New Church" because it's less old than the Oude Kerk. It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, new. These are the two main Protestant (I don't know which flavour) churches in town. They hold concerts and community events in them, since the congregations are no longer large enough to support a minister. In the Nieuwe Kerk, there's the option of climbing the tower, so up we went. And up, and up, and up, and up. The stairs were terrifying, because they're steep, spiralling, and very very narrow. This made going past the people coming back down a touch challenging. But not only that, they go on forever. The stairs trick you too; you finally get up into a room, and can go outside, only to discover that you're HALFWAY there and the next set of stairs starts on the other side of the room. We took a bunch of pictures at the halfway point. The second set of stairs is just as narrow, steep, and spirally as the first half, although they do change spiral directions a couple times, just to keep things interesting. After approximately eleventy bajillion stairs, and several pauses while people went around us, and my shoe strap falling off twice, we made it to the top. The view is fantastic, although it was pretty hazy. The railing on the walkway (it's too narrow to really be a balcony) is nice and thick and high, so there's no fear of falling. It's really all quite excellent, until you realize you have to go back down both unending staircases again. I was pretty quivery by the time we got to the bottom. MM timed us, and it took us about 10 minutes just to descend. The photos are courtesy of MM and W, since I was playing with the zoom lens and I haven't gotten the hang of it yet. Most of the pictures I took were pretty fuzzy. We also went to the market, passed a few of the jazz festival stages, and ate the best apple pie in Delft.
On Sunday we went to the beach in Den Haag, which was chilly and therefore nice and empty. We ate at one of the beach restaurants, selected because it had menus printed in Dutch and English on the tables. Most places do have a few English menus, but having them out meant we could more easily decide if the food looked good. Best of all, it turns out the kitchen was the school bus parked at the side of the outdoor dining area.

Taking the bus

I went to work in Utrecht today, since I have a meeting on Thursday, my usual day out of town. It takes me two trains and a bus ride each way to get there. The trains are always pleasant, and great knitting time, but I could live without the bus ride. Not that it's horrible or anything, but you have to pay better attention to which stop you're at and it can get pretty crowded.

Today, however, the bus was fantastic. The chipkart reading thingy was broken on both buses I took, so I got to ride free each way, for starters. On the bus home, I put my card up to the reader machine, and nothing happened. The bus driver said "Beep beep!" and smiled. It took me a minute to figure out, but he was making the card read noise and communicating I could get on the bus, in like the silliest way possible. I laughed.

I had to stand on the bus, because the between 17:00 and 18:00 buses are always crowded. At the next stop, an elderly woman who totally reminded me of my Grandma got on. You could only tell she was older by her hair and her skin; her stance and body language were very young.

Now, the bus driver's sense of whimsy seemed to extend to his driving as well. Or maybe he was trying to find out just how little space the bus needed to stop, or something. After the first stop where everyone who was standing nearly fell over, the guy sitting next to me tapped the older woman and asked if she wanted his seat. She refused, and really looked like she was having a great time with the balancing on the ride of insanity, but it made me happy that this random guy thought to ask. Warm fuzzies on a bus ride, who knew?

Things that are happening

I've been getting together all the papers so we can get R's visa. Since I'm a "highly skilled worker" he automatically gets a work permit, which is making this process a little easier. Since he was born on a military base in Europe, the paperwork has been a giant pain. I registered our marriage at Gemeente Delft, which is like a city hall. That part was easy, since I just had to take the marriage certificate, its apostille, and my residence card (which I'm legally required to carry all the time anyway) to the building and hand them to the people there. However, I recieved a new form to fill out, which had some awkward spots. Since R is still in the states, he doesn't have a visa number yet; what goes there? Do I have to mail it to him to sign, or can we fax it? Naturally, I didn't read the form thoroughly until I got home, so I couldn't ask about it. I have it (I think) all ready to go, though, so it gets mailed to R tomorrow. Just as soon as I find out where to buy stamps.

The world cup is over, and I haven't heard a vuvuzela since. Pure awesome.

I tried fixing my bike tire, but I think the hole was too big. O very thoughtfully loaned me a tire repair kit, and explained how to use it. The whole process was pretty simple, I'm just not sure it worked. I suspect I'll need to buy a new inner tire (this is like, 5 Euros or so) and learn how to replace that. Fun times! I like fixing things. I had planned to take pictures of the tire patching process, but my hands had too much adhesive on them to be touching my lovely camera.

Now that I've been paid again, I'm planning an exciting trip to IKEA. I really need a new mattress, so I don't have to sleep on the perpetually falling apart bed, and I could use a couple picture frames. Plus, IKEA is fun to wander, and Delft has a ginormous* one.

R and I have had some more activity with showing the house since we lowered the price again. We're giving it a couple more weeks, and then are probably going to take it to auction. We've reached a point where as long as we have to keep paying the mortgage, we're losing money, so it's better just to cut it loose now. Besides, we're young, and can earn more money later.

I need to find a tailor, or borrow someone's sewing machine, to fix a tiny fit problem on the dress I bought for MM's wedding. The top needs to come in by about half an inch, and the hemline could definitely be raised an inch or so. I could do it myself with a machine, but I'm not hand stitching it, because I really really don't enjoy hand sewing at all. This is very apparent in my choice of knitting patterns, which rarely require any seaming. Granted, that's also partly because it's cheaper to buy a sock's worth of yarn than a sweater's, but still. That's not my point, which is that hand sewing is tedious and sharp. I am a huge fan of nice blunt plastic yarn needles, I must admit.

I'm impatient to finish the second red sock in the pair, because I really want to use the leftover red yarn with leftover brown from the previous socks and make a nice pretty scarf or something.

July has just flown by here, partly due to the week I had a migraine, I'm sure. I'm way behind on pictures, so I've added a handful of old ones. The only unusual thing I've done was have a BBQ (by this, people here mean grilling out as a social group, not actual BBQ-ing) with all the roommates. However, as it started raining right as we sat down to eat the first course, I didn't get many pictures after we finished prepping all the food, because we were busy running inside with all the stuff, and then finishing the cooking under an awning as the rain poured down. It was fun though!

*Is ginormous really a word? The spell check doesn't underline it, but does underline IKEA. Which is even stranger, since spell checkers usually assume all caps words are acronyms, and therefore not subject to normal spellings.

Another List

I'm tired, hormonal, and headachey. These are probably all related. So, because writing lists is easy, and I can only read so many papers about convection schemes at a time, I offer you a list of random little things I miss about Kansas. Or the USA in general.

1. Mt Dew.
The official drink of Howe Hall seems unavailable over here. There's less soda in general, which might explain it. Or, possibly, the fact that it's really really corrosive, even by soda standards. The (usually free) coffee machines in all the break rooms might also contribute to the lack of this particularly effective caffeine delivery system.
2. Cheddar and Colby Jack cheese.
Cheddar is imported from England, in the larger groceries, but it's expensive. And while there are approximately eleventy bajillion cheeses here, I don't know which names go with which flavors yet.
3. The Wichita local farmer's market.
I liked knowing that everything was produced locally and super duper fresh. Also, I really miss the bison roasts and emu steaks. Those were tasty. I haven't seen heirloom tomatoes here yet either, although I suspect I just have to go to a bigger market to find them.
4. American shoe and clothing sizes.
I have to guess a lot to find things that fit. Someone should standardize this system worldwide.
5. Consistently placed street signs.
A lot of street signs are on buildings here, especially for the little alley streets. Some streets don't seem to have signs at all, and some are on posts on corners like I'm used to. This makes finding where I'm going a challenge if all I have are google directions.
6. Having a sous chef when I'm cooking.
R likes chopping vegetables. I don't.
7. SuperTarget.
Much as I like to buy local, for housewares I like knowing that it'll be there. I still haven't found a fan.

Patriotism

I suck at patriotism. All day, my facebook wall has been filled with "happy 4th of July" and "woo USA" type stuff (and seriously everyone, it's only mid-afternoon here, and I'm 6-10 hours ahead of the States. Don't any of you sleep?) Sure, I love my home, but I don't feel the team spirit that Independence Day kind of revolves around. And when I think about loving my home, I really mean my family.

I am not proud of myself for being American; that's just an accident of birth. While growing up in the US certainly gave me a ton of advantages, and presumably shaped my personality to some extent, it seems weird to be proud of it. I guess I think that place of birth is inherently neutral; it's simply information, not a value. While being American makes me more privileged, more educated, and richer than most of the world's population, it doesn't really make me better. Lucky to have grown up in a country where liberty and self determination are valued, at least theoretically, but that's it. Just lucky. Just like I'm lucky to live in the age of the internet, and in an age where feminism already exists. But I'm not all proud of being a member of Gen Y either. So I've never been all that in to this particular holiday. I enjoy fireworks displays, sure, but because they're pretty, not because I'm on team USA.

This is probably why I've never enjoyed sports culture too. Apparently I suck at team spirit in general, which is funny, considering how much I enjoy teamwork. Although I can remember the occasional project team in undergrad that was all "we're the awesomest at this project!" and I thought that was stupid too.

Misc

It's summer here. Gloriously, summertime means upper 70's F, not sauna weather. I did get sunburned during our coffee break today, since we've been taking the coffee outside. Most of my group went sailing this afternoon, but when asked if I wanted to come I told them next time they go on a cloudy day, thanks. I know very well how burned I'd be in this sun plus water reflections. I did leave work a little early, though.

Went to the bike shop to replace my recently stolen bike. I'm already tired of walking when I could ride! Mostly because my shoes keep getting sand in them when I walk through construction areas, of which there are 3 on my trip to campus. Sadly, the bike shop no longer has the purple bike I was planning to get. I liked the purple one. I did look at a couple other ones instead, and I'm leaning towards a cheaper black one. They also can't take my credit cards (EU cards have a different scanning system, or something like that) so I couldn't get a bike today. I'll be getting some cash tomorrow and buying one then, on my way home from the market.

On Monday (if I have a bike, it's too far to walk in the hour they're open after work) I can pick up my new debit card! And finally use plastic here! I'm pretty happy about that.

I had a good day at work yesterday. I finally got my broken output problem all squared away, which was a relief. I spent most of today running experiments and trying to read a dissertation. I made it all the way through Chpt 1, which would be a lot more impressive if it were more than 5 pages long.

I've been here for 2.5 months already! It's craziness. I feel like I'm getting to actually know my coworkers a bit, which is pretty awesome. On Monday we made up a ridiculous new sporting event during coffee; underwater upside down hockey. Lots of silliness, which was pretty fun. Today I introduced them to the world's awesomest religion; the cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Good times.

I really like having work to do. I finally feel like myself again, after 6 months of horrible stress and nearly of year of boredom. This is much better.

Fietsen

Fietsen = to bike

I have a bike! And I can ride it, although the first tries were a little wobbly, and I had to lower the seat all the way. The first time riding on the street was scary, but I feel okay now, as long as I already know the route, and don't have to go through construction.

Some observations about biking.

1. Intersections are terrifying.
2. After not touching a bike for 10 years, it is inadvisable to do 3 miles a day for a week. It makes one's derriere hurt.
3. This town is really flat. The only hill I've been on is a man-made tunnel, and goes under the train tracks.
4. Ask the guy how the bike lock works, so you don't spend 15 minutes feeling stupid next to your bike the first time you park it.
5. Telling a Dutch bike salesman that you haven't ridden a bike for 10 years renders him speechless. Even when you've clarified you aren't from around here.
6. The Dutch are the tallest people in the world. This means there are very few bikes of an appropriate size for a shorter than average American woman.
7. As a glasses-wearer, riding in the rain is scary. The droplets get on the glasses and visibility is severely compromised.
8. I don't like hearing the motorized bikes coming up behind me.
9. I can't yet signal my turns, because I get all wobbly if I take one hand off the handlebars. I suspect this is not the reason for the other 70% of people who don't signal their turns.
10. Riding a bike has shortened my commute by 20 minutes each way. This is awesome.

Downtime

For the past bit of time, my life has been pretty bumpy. Moving, starting a new job, and adjusting to a long distance relationship are complicated enough when you speak the native language, let alone when you don't. This week, I shall be studying cheese words so I know what I want to get at the grocery store. I've had to adapt to reading signs with a million "j's" in them, navigating public transport, buying groceries without reading the ingredients, walking everywhere, streets that don't form a perfect 1 mile square grid, and interrupting people to tell them I don't speak Dutch. Not to mention buying stuff I didn't have space to bring (like towels! towels are very important!) and settling in with three roommates who were essentially total strangers. Plus that whole starting a PhD thing.

So other than shopping, my free time has all been downtime. I have been killing Mario (seriously, I cannot beat this level) and knitting.

My knitting has been a little sporadic, what with the wicked case of start-itis I've developed, but I do have some links to pretty pictures!

Lace
MM's blue merino/silk lace is finally done! A link to a photo will be added later, when I have a photo. The blue lace is all put away, and I don't feel like getting it back out yet. That was definitely my longest project to date, and my first laceweight, lace knitting, and beading project, all in one! I am quite happy with how it turned out. When I started it, I was hoping it would be ready this summer when she gets home from deployment, and I certainly beat that deadline! I've found that I really like lace knitting. It's interesting, and complicated, and blocking it is really fun. I started a green lace project to replace it, but it has since been frogged. I kept ending up with extra stitches, even though it doesn't look like there's an error in the pattern. On a Friday when I couldn't get into work but had already come to Utrecht, I found a yarn shop and bought some purple laceweight. (Actually, I found the shop by accident, and I went in to buy a new row counter since I left mine in NYC, and somehow ended up with a ball of purple laceweight.) I have making a lovely beaded cowl with it, and it is pretty much the quickest pattern ever!

Blanket
The blanket I started for an airplane project is finally done! Of course, it's June and it's a wool blanket, so in all likelihood it's just going to go in the closet, but that's not the point.

Socks
I've also been on a bit of a sock jag lately. I decided to learn to make socks, and the construction of a complex 3D object is simply fascinating. However, the sock yarns I had before I left were super cheap cottons, and I have learned that 100% cotton makes my hands pretty darn tired. I currently have 2 pairs completed, 1 half pair (I'm not sure I like it) and 1 partial sock. The partial sock was started to have something to do on the train, and I really like the DPNs it's on. I'm super excited to start socks with my fabulous new Imagination yarn, but it's in skeins and I haven't wanted to wind it into balls yet. Also, I should really finish the pairs that I've started first.

Scarf
Speaking of fabulous Imagination sock yarn, I've started a scarf with the Evil Stepmother colorway, because it was too pretty for socks. I was working on it while listening to the end of Good Omens, or the Nice and Accurate Prophesies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (the audiobook is the only thing that made the blanket possible) but the book has since ended. Side note, it's an awesome book, and you should read it.

Silk
I've restarted the recycled sari silk project, and it's going much better this time. Since I don't know the yardage of my yarn, and I'm not about to unwind the balls and measure, this project will hopefully be a wrap, but could end up a pillow or purse. I'll just have to see as I use the yarn up. This yarn is absolutely impossible to accurately photograph.

For my birthday, which was a national holiday (some jesus thing) F and I went to Keukenhof. It's about an hour by train and bus. This is the first touristic (apparently they felt a need to make tourist into an actual adjective here) thing I've done since I got here, and it was super fun. I plan to go every year, because the garden is amazing. Next year I'd love to rent a bike and cycle through the tulip fields, but it was much too cold this year.

From their website:
Facts and figures about the most beautiful spring garden in the world:
Has won prizes as Europe’s most valued attraction
It is one of the most popular attractions in the Netherlands and has clocked up more than 44 million visitors in the last 60 years
It is the largest bulb flower park in the world
It covers an area of 32 hectares 4.5 million tulips in 100 varieties
It is the most photographed place in the world
There are 15 kilometers of footpaths
It is the largest sculpture park in the Netherlands
7 million flower bulbs planted by hand
More than 2,500 trees in 87 varieties


It was stunning. We only walked through about a third of the garden, because it was getting cold out, and the sheer quantity of flowers was mind-boggling. And they redesign the flower beds every year (although I'm guessing the tulip historical garden stays pretty much the same) to keep people coming back. We were also there at the right time for the Lily exhibit inside a pavilion. I have never seen lilies like these. Some of the blooms were as large as a dessert plate! The scent inside was lovely, but incredibly overwhelming. Going out to the mildly scented cherry tree walk was quite a relief!


Keukenhof is logically located right in the middle of the major tulip fields, near the town of Lisse. This means you can see some of the tulip fields from the garden. Because the Netherlands is very very flat, you can see miles of tulips. It was a little late in the season, so a lot of them were dropping their petals already, but they were still gorgeous. As someone who grew up in the American midwest, entire fields devoted to attractive plants (corn is delicious, not pretty) are kind of alien.

I've added a link to the online photo album of pictures from Keukenhof in the sidebar. There are also some photos in the 365 album. I took the slideshow down because blogger and picasa weren't playing nicely together, and I'm tired of fixing it.

Code is also fun when it breaks

The downside to running code all day is that there's not much to do while it's running. Tomorrow I'm bringing a couple papers with me to read.

My job this week is to run the computer model, screw it up, and learn how to fix it. I'm pleased to announce that the screwing it up part has been a smashing success! Today I not only managed to make a bunch of small, easy to figure out mistakes, I also managed to break the code in two ways that have never been seen before. I discussed the problems with a few different people, and we still have no idea what I did wrong. The best error was when everything seemed to work, but there was no output in the output folders. Turns out you fix that by restarting the computer, and then restarting the experiment in a new directory. In the learning how to fix it category, I have learned how to find the files containing error reports, but that hasn't helped me much. I've figured out a couple small errors though, and managed to troubleshoot the whole afternoon by myself. My biggest issue has been a subroutine listed in an input file. If you forget to change the subroutine name to the new one, the program can't find it. Normally, this would be a pretty normal problem, but the code does something sneaky. It just keeps looking for the old subroutine forever, and doesn't tell you that anything's wrong! So everything looks fine, but it's not. I'm tempted to write CHANGE XX SUBROUTINE in giant letters on a sticky note and put it on my monitor. Only I don't have any sticky notes.

That problem is why I'm still here. I was planning to leave at 5, or whenever the code finished running. I restarted the code at 4:43, after noticing it had been working on the same thing for an awfully long time. It seems to be doing better now. I think.

My tentative week plan is totally cracking me up. I was planning to finish up about 8 test runs today and plot yesterday's data. I don't seem to have the data plotting software, so I'll be asking someone about that tomorrow. I have successfully completed 1 test run, and I'm waiting on a second.

...and I broke it again. Which means I can leave! Just as the rain is starting up.

There was totally a lady on the bus with bright yellow headphones. I was amused.

Code is awesome when it works

4:45 PM
I am running code. In fact, I'm waiting for it to finish. I'm also trying to figure out what time would be normal to leave, since I'm now at KNMI instead of on campus. Also, this code is hella sexy. Seriously, it's amazing. This is FORTRAN with a GUI, running on a ton of processors. Sometimes. I got an error today because the code (doing some sort of finite element analysis over a fair chunk of the coastline over a 6 hour period) was running on too many processors. I hadn't made the simulation complicated enough for it to use all the processing power available. Which means the code is efficient too. Awesome.

Anyway, I hope the Aeroboys read this, because no one else will relate to the geekiness in that first paragraph.

It's been an exciting day here in science research land! Having gotten used to the routine of going to campus every day, today I switched it up and took two trains to Utrecht. I usually like having routines, especially considering how crazy everything else is currently, so the morning was a little stressful. I made the train connection and got to Utrecht with plenty of time, and then I got help from CS finding bus tickets. I met an entirely new batch of people, even though I'm still working on names from my uni dept, and around 2pm I finally had a computer set up.

The downside of meeting new people today is that they're all significantly taller than me. Like, way way taller. Three of the people in this group have hit the 2m (that's about 6' 7") mark. It's ridiculous.

Getting on the train at all was pretty exciting, since it's nearly impossible to buy train tickets for the nearby station without a Dutch bank account. The smaller station only has machines, and they only take debit cards and coins. I certainly didn't have €21 in coins! My debit card doesn't work because US cards use a different format than EU ones. Most ATMs can handle both, but not a lot of other machines. I cannot wait to get a bank account! E bought the train tickets online for me, which was super nice of her.

I can knit about 2 inches of sock on the train ride from Rotterdam to Utrecht, so the new coffee break socks are growing pretty fast. I might need to rename them train socks, since I've been doing most of the knitting on the trains instead of during the coffee breaks.

The bus ticket thing is an elegant bit of technology, I think. I got a plastic card, and loaded it with a chosen amount of money, and then I just hold it up to a scanner (this takes like 2 seconds) when I get on the bus, hold it up again when I get off, and it deducts the fare for however far I went. You don't even have to slide the card, just hold it by the machine. It's quick and easy, both good when dealing with public transportation. I *think* I can put more money on it online, although I bet I need a bank account for that.

Code's still running. Yay for running code!

I've applied for a bank account at a local bank. It was pretty hard comparing banks online, because they don't have much in the way of English pages. They all seem pretty similar. I picked based on ease of understanding the Dutch, bank locations, and the fact that I could start the process online, which is helpful when banks aren't open on the weekends, when I could actually go to one. According to F, I picked the one most like a credit union, which I'm somewhat amused by.

I think the code finished! Why, in fact it did! And it worked! You wouldn't BELIEVE how much data this puts out. This is a huge improvement from last week. As it's now 6PM and I have an hour train ride to go, I think I shall be heading home.

Happy birthday to J!

Koninginnedag

Today was Queen's Day, a national holiday that celebrates Queen Beatrix's birthday, even thought her birthday is actually in January, according to Wikipedia. From my impression this afternoon, Queen's day is basically a giant toys/antiques sale combined with orange clothes and silly hats. I stuck to the smaller celebration in Delft this year, although I plan to go to the bigger ones in Den Haag and Amsterdam in the upcoming years. It was an interesting afternoon, although I think it would be more fun if I wasn't attending by myself. There were street musicians, food, crowds, and sales, everywhere.

F told me that the garage-sale thing started as a tradition where kids could get rid of their old toys, but expanded into an anything goes sort of street sale. There were still a TON of kid's toys available though. I looked for baby books in English for J's upcoming baby, but didn't see any. I did buy some new boots, but from a nearby store, not secondhand. Now I have boots! Purple ones!

I enjoyed the music rather a lot, especially the children who were out playing various instruments. I always threw the kids change. And really, what's more adorable than a pair of sisters playing violin and cello duets? I found I preferred the instrumental musicians to the DJs, possibly because I developed a mild migraine and the speakers were LOUD. An accordian/flute/violin group was my favorite of the day.

Buying street food will be so much easier once I learn food words. That's what rosetta stone should start with, rather than all the airplane an elephant phrases. Lots of fried stuff, and an entire table of sushi, which I was scared of, because it wasn't that cold out today. I did not eat the sushi, even though it looked delicious.

I got a little lost, since sometimes I had to go the way the crowd went, rather than the way I was planning.

I had a horrible moment when I was putting the camera back in my bag, and someone bumped me, and the camera hit the cobblestones. A couple screws in the lens (that seem to hold the lens to the part that attaches to the camera) came loose, but I fixed it when I got back here. Fortunately, F has a tiny screwdriver, and the camera still works fine.

Overall, I think this holiday would be more fun with people, kind of like celebrating the 4th of July by yourself would be kind of boring, but I'm glad I went out after the rain ended.

Time for a little math

Travel costs. Without the volcano, it should have been something like $1380. I'm currently working on a claim to my travel insurance, so I should be getting some of the difference back.

Wichita to NYC
Plane Tickets: $141
Luggage Fee: $155
Luggage cart at airport: $5
Cab Ride to hotel: $35
Hotel: $314

NYC to London
Cab Ride to airport: $90
Plane Tickets: $416
Luggage Fee: $160

London to Amsterdam
internet in airport: $15
phone to call travel insurance: $100
Bus ride to hotel: $6
Train ticket: $354
Cab ride: $116
hotel: $884

Cost to move one woman and about 180lbs of her stuff: $2791

Living Space

Having spent 98 € at IKEA, I have my room all set up now. By "all" I mean the suitcases are unpacked and put away, and their contents are not longer on the floor. I still need another electrical plug adapter (or two, or five) and my new IKEA shelves (E was looking for reasons to procrastinate, and drove me there! The long shelf just barely fit in her car.) are still pretty empty. I'd like to get something to put on the walls, a better jewelry containment system, and some plants for the windowsill and highest shelf. Having spaces to hold stuff is way better than before though, so we'll start with this.

First of all, I'm pretty impressed by how much storage space I've achieved for such a tiny room. The closet was quite well designed, with 5 shelves and hanger space. It's holding my (admittedly small) wardrobe, all 4 pairs of shoes, the camera bag, most of my yarn, a suitcase and a small box of misc stuff. There's a large storage area above the closet (we have very high ceilings) that I share with E's room which is holding the other two suitcases. Very helpful. We have a storage space somewhere in this building too, so I could move the suitcases down there if I need more space later.

It's weird planning a room when I don't know how long I'm staying. Ideally, the house in KS will sell and R will be able to move within the next 6 months, at which point, it hardly makes sense to acquire a ton of decorative things now, because I'll just have to move them again. But if I end up here for longer, I want my room to feel like my space. Fluid planning keeps life interesting, but it certainly makes simple things more complicated!

Some random observations

1. It's much more pleasant walking through parking lots when all the cars are small.
2. Grocery shopping in a language you don't speak is challenging, especially at the open-air market.
3. A "short walk" here is much longer than a "short walk" in the states. The expectation that you would walk or bike to the market that's 2 km away is pretty motivating though, and it was a really nice walk.
4. Sidewalk construction projects get done really fast. Particularly strange is that I've never seen anyone actually working on the sidewalk, but each day the project has progressed about 20m farther.
5. Coffee breaks are sacred. That's awesome.
6. They sometimes serve free alcohol at university-sponsored events. A lot of it.
7. I should have brought my farmer's market bag with me, since the ubiquitous plastic grocery bag is pretty absent here. Luckily, my purses are big.
8. Having a roommate (F) who has lived in town for 11 years is very helpful. She gives excellent directions.
9. Stores are closed on Sundays, so I have nothing to do today but relax. Also awesome.
10. The cure for boredom with two blue knitting projects is apparently varigated taupe-to-orange socks.
11. The members of my department are very excited to finally have a native English speaker on the team.
12. I get irrationally frustrated when I can't understand Dutch, and apparently think I should have learned it in about 2 days here. I realize this is silly.
13. My Pakistani roommate (S) makes really really delicious food.
14. E's cat, Pasha, is the only animal I've ever met that is as obsessed with people food as Parents 1.0's dog.
15. I am apparently very approachable (or look like I know where I'm going) because people keep stopping me to ask for directions. I have yet to be able to help anyone.
16. I really like the lack of pickups and SUVs. It makes walking along streets seem much safer. Also, it's easier to see street signs.
17. The auto train ticket stands don't work with American cards. They require the fancy new kind with a microchip.
18. Pasha very much likes merino/silk yarn, and spent an hour sleeping on it.
19. I need better shoes. Or to get used to walking so much.
20. There's a website that plans routes for you based on public transportation. It's the best thing ever. Except for having access to public transportation in the first place, which is even better.
21. Kids play outside by themselves here, with no adults in sight. I like that, but it's disorienting.
22. It's hard to think in math after a year of unemployment. Satisfying though.
23. There's an IKEA here. S and I are going, because we both need furniture. I'm excited, and already know what I want to get.
24. Skype cannot register a clear image of Quasar. All the fuzziness screws up the webcam.
25. Everyone I've met so far has been really nice. The first question I get is "How did you get here?!?!" followed by "Where are you from?" and then "Corn, right? and Wizard of Oz?" At least they haven't asked if I grow potatoes, which makes them more conversant with US geography than several coastal Americans I've met.
26. Happy birthday to the lovely AH!

At least I'm not in icy water

Houston Airport: Apr 13, 2PM

Traveling has gone surprisingly well thus far. I even got my ears to pop on descent into Houston!

The Wichita airport was amazing this morning. I was very tearful, because I'm leaving on an adventure and R, Nova, and Quasar aren't, and all the people I had to deal with were simply amazing. The check-in counter guys were quite impressed with my luggage! On my Wii Fit board, one suitcase was at 48 lbs and the other two were juuuuuuuust over 49 lbs. On the airport scale, they were all under 50 lbs, but one of them cheerfully sat at 49.8! So the Wii Fit weighing method worked out nicely, and I am totally the winner. The ticket-checking lady at the beginning of the security line asked if I was okay, and mentioned she always tears up when leaving her grandmother, whch made me feel a lot better. It was so nice of her to take a minute to sympathize. The scanner people were very nice too, and helped me put my laptop back in my very full carry on bag. They were a bit confused by my second battery, but my explanation that a new batter and external charger was cheaper than replacing the motherboard generated sympathy for frustarting computer problems, and some interest in external battery chargers. Security took me all of 5 minutes to get through, and actually made me feel slightly better. When's the last time that happened?

Knitting makes waiting for boarding much nicer. I found my gate, bought a soda, and knit two blanket rows, and then it was time to go. Much better than sitting watching the clock. The flight was fine, with flight attendents who obviously enjoy working with people, and spent a lot of time cracking jokes. I was on an Embraer, a puddle-jumper with only 3 rows of seats, so I had a window and an aisle at the same time. I love getting the single-row seat on little jets. We got stuck sitting on the tarmac for 2 rows of blanket (20 minutes) which was hot and made knitting wool seem a little silly. The flight was fine, although a little bumpy on ascent and descent.

The Houston airport is weird. I'm pretty sure it's been built in stages. We landed in terminal A, and it's hideous. No windows, just flourescent lights, ugly wall coverings in a sad dingy white. Now I'm in terminal E, following the clackity-est shuttle ride ever, and it's so much nicer. Big windows, some with interesting etched patterns, skylights, wide open spaces, and walls that look clean. It's like moving forward about 30 years in terms of design. It's a little warm, but I can live with that. I did want an excuse to wear my new socks though. I have socks and slippers with me, in case my flipflops are too cold in the air. Also, they didn't fit in any of the suitcases. While I ate lunch, I read “Physics of the Impossible” and learned that the word “robot” comes from an old eastern European play about automated workers, and was chosen because it means drudgery in Czech, and labor in Slavak.

Newark Airport: Apr 14, 6PM

First off, happy birthday to B and MM!

I am absurdly early at the airport, since they told me I should be at my gate by 8PM and I've been here for an hour. But I am so grateful to be here, that it's okay that I'm spending this lovely afternoon staring at hideous carpet.

My flight to NYC yesterday was fine, although rather bumpy towards the end. My seatmate was a very pleasant gentleman who was very interesting to talk to. We had a discussion of the intersection between art and science, and the damage that commercialism does to both, or something, and I knitted. He helped me get my luggage onto a cart, and walked with me to the taxi line so I wouldn't accidentally stumble upon a company that charges twice as much. He was very helpful, and made landing a lot easier than it would have been. Thanks random guy!

I woke up bright and early today, and found the consulate without any trouble. Although if more stores would put their address numbers on the building somewhere, that would be helpful. I got there super early, before the consulate even opened. So I had to leave again, and wandered around the area. I watched some ice skaters at Rockefeller Center, and then I noticed a tiny photography shop that advertised passport and visa photos. And I thought to myself, “Do I need one? I have no idea! Stupid not clear website!” Because I'm nervous enough about this whole visa process, I figured it wouldn't hurt to get some photos, which turned out to be entirely the correct decision. The first thing they ask you when you show up to “pick up” the visa you've been told is “ready” is ask to see the photo you brought to make sure it fits the guidelines.

Then they couldn't find me in their system. That was nerve-wracking.

I was apparently filed in a weird spot, probably because I have a weird status that's between student and knowledge worker. They found me though, and I filled out a short form and turned in my photo.

Now about those quotation marks above. “Your visa is ready, and you need to arrange with the New York consulate to pick it up” means different things to me and to the people who do the visa making. See, I read that and think that the visa is ready, and I just have to go get it. Right? The consulate even said I didn't need an appointment when I phoned them, I could just walk in. That's not what it means. It means that the Dutch government approves your visa, but the people at the consulate still have to sign off on it, and print it, and put it in your passport, and this usually takes 3 days, ok?

Panic.

I'm leaving tonight! Nobody told me that ready doesn't mean ready, and that pick up means drop off your photo and passport. THOSE ARE NOT THE SAME!!! I didn't scream though. I'm really very pleased with how calm I was until I got back to my hotel room. They said they'd try, but they couldn't guarantee they'd get it all done by closing time at 5pm, and could they have my cell phone number? The employees were fantastic. They were sympathetic, they were friendly, they were working on it before I got out the door.

Back at the hotel, I called R and came up with a back up plan. I could book another night in the hotel (which I did, since I didn't need the added stress of nowhere to go with 150lbs of baggage and 30 lbs of carry on) and book another flight out later. Studentuniverse still had spots on flights for the next several days, for under $500. We'd lose some money, but we do have the savings (from my severance and selling the car) and we can always earn more money. I ate, I showered, I knit blue lace, and I stared at my cell phone, willing it to ring. I chatted with Mom 2.0, which was calming, and didn't answer when Mom 1.0 called because she didn't need to stress out too.

When the credit card company, who apparently forgot I told them I'd be traveling, called about possible fraud, my fragile equilibrium was destroyed. An unknown number, asking for Ms. Myname? Has to be the consulate, only it wasn't. I called R after that, because I was all upset again, and he went to lunch so he could stay on the phone. When he got home, there was a message on the answering machine. I was all “maybe we got a house offer! Who else would leave a message?” No house offer, but it was the consulate, who couldn't reach my cell phone for some reason, even though I had perfectly clear reception. My visa was ready, and I could pick it up until 4:30pm! I looked at the clock: 3:09. I threw off my socks, found my flipflops, remembered my keycard (I locked myself out once last night) and left the hotel.

I didn't run to the consulate, because I can't run in flip-flops, but I did walk very very fast.

Back at the consulate, I walked up, said I was there to pick up a visa, told them my name, and I am now the holder of an MVV entry visa! Thank you New York consulate employees! You were very fast, and I am very grateful. Now we should maybe work on some translations.

At the hotel, I repacked my carry-ons, asked for luggage assisstance (ZOMG, I totally forgot to tip the guy. He got me a taxi too. Sorry about that, super-nice and very helpful hotel employee. You walked back into the hotel way too fast.) and checked out. Remember, I had asked to extend my stay another day, and it was about 3:45 (late check out is by 3 ($35), super late by 6 ($100 and something), after that you pay for the room) so I was prepared to have to pay for the second night. The front desk lady was awesome though, and not only didn't charge me the second night, she only added the $35 fee for the earlier late check out. Fantastic employees at the Manhatten Center Hotel!

Now I'm at the airport, and I can leave when I'm supposed to, and I can quit saying “it's just money” every few minutes, and everything is all better! I gave the taxi driver a very generous tip, because he helped me get my luggage up the curb, and because I'm became very very cheerful, perhaps giddy, once I had the visa in my hand. There's a British boy's choir here, and they're ADORABLE. They even gave an impromptu mini-concert, which I assume was an attempt by the handful of adults to keep a large group of boys busy while waiting for boarding. They're really good.

So good thing to know: always always always ask how long it will take, even if the wording totally implies it won't take more than half an hour. Learn from my experience, because it sucked.

Now I'm just waiting to board, and I am so excited to be started the last part of this very long moving process!

Note: I totally flew on a Boeing 777! That was pretty neat.

London: Apr 15, 5:30 PM

It was much more exciting when I wasn't stuck in an airport.

I'd like to point out that the Titantic sank on April 15th, and I'm glad that my problem is much smaller than that one. I'm not drowning, for one thing.

Of course a volcano in Iceland errupted just in time to screw up my flight. Anything departing by 11:30AM got out. My flight was supposed to depart at noon. I am so frustrated with this trip! I admit, I could totally see the funny side of this if I didn't have a migraine, but I do, and it screws up everything.

We got off the plane and were told that we had to collect our baggage, and then exit to the ticketing area (which is outside customs and security) to rebook. Which is fine, I don't want my luggage to get lost in London. However, they couldn't put the baggage onto the baggage claim until the gate for it's flight was released, which doesn't happen until departure time, EVEN IF THE FLIGHT IS CANCELED. I'm not sure why, but I resent it. I got to sit in the comfort-free baggage claim area for 4.5 hours this morning. On two hours of sleep, and did I mention the migraine?

I made a friend while waiting. This poor couple, they were planning a second honeymoon river cruise vacation, and they're going to miss at least half the cruise because we can't fly out of here. They're looking at just going back home. How much would that suck?

Finally got my luggage, using the delightful free luggage carts, went through the "nothing to claim" customs hall, and out to the ticketing area. There are so. many. people. waiting in line.

A ton of signs said to rebook using the airline's website, so rather than stand in a 5 hour line with a pounding head, I went on a quest for WiFi. Or rather, first I went on a quest to figure out what I was supposed to be doing, and eventually decided that I needed internet. I found it too, after asking about 6 people. However, because I didn't book through the airline website, I'd have to pay full price for a ticket, and for Saturday, the flight I'd take was about $1000, taking the exchange rate into account. Yeah. Then I remembered that I have travel insurance, and a volcanic eruption is exactly what it's for! Of course, my only contact info was by phone. While dejectedly walking down to the still huge line of people, I saw a pre-paid phone store, so I am now the owner of a UK phone. The travel insurance people are trying to book me a new flight, and just found me a hotel! I will always buy travel insurance from now on. I'm sitting in the airport, with coffee and a comfy seat now, and feeling better than before. Still frustrated, and my head still hurts, but less.

I talked to an airline employee because I wanted to know where the volcano was, and I told her that volcanic eruptions lower Earth's temperature, and that's neat. It was even relevant to our conversation, and she thought it was neat too. That's me, spreading nerdiness wherever I go.

And hey! The lovely travel insurance person just got me a flight! For Saturday. If I get a hotel reservation, I could leave the airport! And go to sleep! That would be excellent.

PS: Anyone else wish I could tell this story as well as Megan would have been able to?

Packing stuff up

Having spent the week listening to tedious on-hold music and trying to finish up my wedding scrapbook (only about 15 more photos to go!) I've now moved into the final packing up stages. Tomorrow will be devoted to laundry and balancing out the suitcases, and deciding if a third one is worth the hassle and extra charge. Today we spent an hour switching the cable account to R's name, and I'm going to pack my carry on later to see if the new bag is big enough. My usual carry-on bag isn't good for a laptop, so I picked up a laptop bag at Target. It looks like it'll hold everything I want in a carry-on, but I need to actually try it. It's surprisingly hard to find a bag that zips all the way shut instead of just having one of those magnetic closures. I like the zip up ones better for traveling. R is going through the DVD book and dividing them up, which feels really weird considering how recently I merged and re-alphabetized them. R is also going through the box we throw all the random electronics stuff in for showing the house to make sure I have all the cords and cables and chargers I need. I'm mostly being grumpy, because my new knitting needles STILL aren't here, and I'd really like them to arrive before I leave. They've been in town for over a week now, so I don't understand why they aren't here yet. Frustrating.

I'm really looking forward to getting to Delft, I'm just not very happy about the traveling I have to do to get there. I don't really like flying, and I'm looking at 2 days of flying and exhaustion, since most of my time in NYC will be spent either in line at the embassy or waiting in the airport.

MOVING!!!!!

My visa is finally ready, and my plans are progressing. I'll fly from KS to NYC on Apr. 13, spend the night there, head to the Dutch embassy bright and early on the 14th to pick up my visa, do something during the afternoon, and fly out to Amsterdam in the evening. What with a layover in England and the time change, I'll arrive in Amsterdam mid-afternoon on the 15th, where very thoughtful and generous E will pick me up! I won't have to navigate an unfamiliar place while exhausted from a rather long flight, which makes me happy.

Naturally, I now have a very long list of stuff to do, some of which we really should have thought of earlier. Like switching the utilities to R's name, a simple task I could have completed months ago. We thought of it a few days ago. Oops.

I've been spending the weekend trying on clothes, deciding what to keep, and boxing stuff up for Goodwill. Along with booking flights, figuring out that I don't need an appointment to get my visa (this took a couple phone calls), and figuring out everything that needs to be packed and done before I leave. My list of things to do over the weekend is about half complete, although replacing the bedroom ceiling fan will take up a fair chunk of tomorrow, and I probably need to reduce the number of shoes I'm taking again. Knitting has been very helpful in maintaining calm while I think everything through, and the lace for MM has progressed rather a lot. The dogs are getting microchipped on Monday, so that we won't have to deal with it when we're actually shipping them over, much later than now. So everything's all very exciting, and I'll be very busy over the next week and a half.

Atheist

In all the individual prayer times in mass, once I was old enough to pay attention to what was going on, I only ever prayed for one thing.

"Please, God, help me to believe."

I would look at all these people around me, who obviously felt some sort of divine presence in their lives, people whose sincerity was obvious, people who knew there was some non-interacting but apparently caring and IMPORTANT consciousness floating around, and I couldn't feel it. I wondered and wondered, "what is wrong with me? I don't feel like that!"

I wish I'd had the vocabulary to express agnosticism and atheism as a tween. Knowing there are other people who can't convince themselves that a magical force that loves everyone but doesn't ever do anything but controls everything exists would have been very comforting.

I tried behaving as if I devoutly believed, to see if that would help me to. It didn't. I was afraid to act devout publicly, because I knew I was faking it. I didn't talk about my struggles with church and religion, because I just thought something was wrong with me. If all these other people are getting something valuable out of church, I should too.

In high school, I quit caring. I went through the motions of confirmation, because it was important to everyone around me, even though it was a massive waste of time. I didn't have any particular belief set then, I just pushed the issue away and focused on more important things. Like picking a college major, and a college, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. The only time I really thought about it was at an elementary school reunion, where one of the classmates who had always been nice to me told me he felt God had called him to service. "How does he know that? Why is he so sure? Why have I never made it to probably?"

In college, I had a lot of more-or-less devout friends, so I started attending church again. Maybe this time it would work, and I would feel...whatever it is. I really liked the church there. The priests were fun, good speakers, and talked more about reality than divinity. Lots of sermons on tolerance, being good people, doing good things. I enjoyed the message, the music, and the people.

I still prayed at every mass for faith, because I still couldn't convince myself that any of the god stuff made any sense at all. Again, people all around me had no trouble believing that an invisible being that never did anything anyone could sense and only left one very random mish-mash of books written by men to say anything about itself knew and guided everyone all the time. Lovely, intellegent, fabulous people. So I figured that if everyone else could see that this bizarre concept made sense, and that creating an entire philosophy out of a self-contradicting compliation of documents was not only reasonable, but the best way, that it must just be me. Obviously, there's something wrong with me.

That's not a comfortable feeling to have, but EVERYONE I knew identified as a Christian believer of some sort. There were variations, of course, between the non-introspective roommate who was a believer because that's what she'd been taught and she never really thought about it, who attended church during the major holidays and the Aeroboy who attended two services every Sunday and truly believed that doing anything fun at all would send you straight to Hell.

And then there was me, unwilling to admit I couldn't believe because that indicated there was something terribly wrong with me, but unable to read the Bible any differently than the fairy tales and Greek myths I loved as a kid. Except the Bible was usually more tedious, more violent, less coherent, and didn't include the names of the women.

I was scared of the word "atheist" because all the people I knew considered it derogatory, indicative of moral failing, or at best, misguided and pitiable. I defined myself as an apathetic agnostic for awhile, because saying "I don't know, but I don't really care" is safer than saying "I don't understand how all of you can make any sense out of this."

I talked about it with MM once, asking her how she could deal with the biblical discrepancies, the lack of response from the universe, the non-appearance of God. Her reply, "That's part of the mystery" is the best answer I've ever gotten, and it simply doesn't work for me. Accepting that there's no reason to believe and believing anyway is not something I'm capable of.

I find the notion of eternal life absolutely terrifying, and can't understand why it's considered a reward. I want more time than I'm likely to get, but I don't want forever. The concept of infinity really freaked me out as a kid.

I shall be grateful for the rest of my life to one of the Aeroboys, for telling me he's an atheist and giving me the resources to find others. Suddenly, there was nothing wrong with me. I can't believe because believing in something that can't be detected in any way at all because some people wrote some stuff down a couple thousand years ago doesn't make sense.

There is nothing intrinsically valuable about faith. In no other area is it considered a good thing to believe everything anyone says without question. Whole classes are taught on evaluating the validity of web resources. You're supposed to actively disbelieve the stranger who says he has candy in his van. Food processors have to prove their factories are clean and their products are safe. I'm feeling compelled to provide examples to back up my statements on a personal blog that nobody reads.

I am an atheist because I can't choose to believe in something that doesn't make any sense or provide any actual, measurable, proof of its existence, and I am okay with that. I am much more comfortable with a god-free world, and an ethical system based on empathy instead of a deeply sexist, xenophobic, and authoritarian ancient book. I wish it had taken less than 24 years to learn I wasn't profoundly broken.

Open House

The open house today went well. Most of the people in the age bracket appropriate for this size of house LOVED my paint colors, although several elderly neighbors were rather taken aback. I hope they were only shocked by the orange wall in the basement, because if my blue and gray living room was too much, that's kind of sad. The realtor really liked how we staged what little stuff we have, which was nice to hear after all our hard work! Another realtor who came to see the house thinks a house-hunting client of his would like ours, and love the neighborhood, so we'll hopefully be showing again later this week.

In the past week, not only have we cleaned the house twice, we've also painted the front door white, painted a small angle wall gray, scrubbed the baseboards the dogs get muddy, washed, folded, and put away a month's worth of laundry (since I don't have to wear job appropriate attire, laundry is usually motivated by R running out of socks, and he has a lot of them), moved all the packed stuff into the van, organized the storage room, put the storage room door back up, fixed the guest room door, planted butterfly garden seeds and mulched the flower beds, and changed the dining room light switch. We didn't manage to get the bedroom ceiling fan up, because R slept wrong and strained a neck/shoulder muscle. He couldn't lift his arms above his head, making wiring near the ceiling impossible.

We spent most of our exiled time at the bookstore, where I overheard a conversation between a couple of 15-ish year olds. The boy was sad because some girl wasn't calling him, and the girl was recommending not stalking the not-calling girl. I really wanted to tell him "she's just not that into you, quit trying" because the situation sounded like the not-calling girl just didn't know how to say no. I didn't, though, because that would be a tad creepy. I imagine he'll figure it out.

My lovely blue lace knitting project is moving right along. Now that I understand the pattern, it's pretty fast work. I imagine it'll get tedious before the end. I've finished 3.5 of 14 pattern repeats, so I still have a fair amount left to do. According to my spreadsheet, I'm 30.38% done. I'm very happy with the clear beads, and glad I went with them instead of blue ones.