The house auction was a smashing failure, with the final bid coming in at $50k below what we paid for the place, and a bit below what we owe on it. The next step is trying to convince the bank that they should take the short sale, because our savings have all been dumped into trying to sell the thing. The backup plan for that is to just leave and ruin our credit, which I was thinking would be horribly awful, but then I realized that since we did everything right; taking out a reasonable loan we could afford, living within our means, trying to save something (this works better if you don't get laid off 8 months after paying off your very reasonable wedding expenses) that it's entirely the banks' fault we're in this situation anyway. On Skype last night, R mentioned we need to write a letter explaining things to the bank. I like this one:
dear bank,
because you and your cohorts bought a bunch of politicians before we were born in order to deregulate your market so you could make pretend money and thereby destroyed the economy, we can no longer pay you for this house. maybe if you had been less greedy the extensive layoffs destroying both our income and the housing market would not have been necessary. This is the best you'll get, so take it.
with absolutely no love, me
Today is not a good day, and I'm very frustrated. So I thought I'd make a list of some things I'm grateful for, in an attempt to change my perspective a little bit.
1. I live in Holland, where the financial sector is heavily regulated.
2. My friends are pretty awesome.
3. I have enough money for food, heat, and shelter.
4. I have extra money in fact, for travel, comfort, and fun.
5. My family is pretty awesome too.
6. I have access to good healthcare.
7. I got a job I like, related to my field, even though the economy is very very broken.
8. Things won't suck this much forever, and I can always earn more money.
It is a mathematical fact that the casting of a pebble from my hand alters the centre of gravity of the universe. — Thomas Carlyle
Showing posts with label nonspecific angst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nonspecific angst. Show all posts
22 September 2010
23 February 2010
Undecided
My left hand is cramping. I've knit about 6 inches of tank top today. Why my left hand, which is pretty stationary, and attached to my good shoulder via my good arm is the problem, I'm not sure. I'm pretty happy with my progress though, and hope a quick typing break might solve the problem. If not, I have a dishwasher to empty and a box for K to put together. The teevee cart needs dusting too, and the kitchen table needs to be cleared off. I really need to convince R to throw stuff away. He seems to have an inability to put trash in the trash. It's bizarre.
I'm behind on my photo posting. This is probably because I'm living a very boring, isolated life right now, and I'm having a hard time finding things worth photographing. I'm not even cooking fancy food these days, because fancy ingredients cost, and until the house sells, we're going with cheap and simple. Soup, although delicious, is not exactly exciting to look at.
To supplement my knitting, I've been doing a lot of reading. Since most of my books are now with Parents 1.0, I've turned to the glorious world of blogs, with feminism and fat acceptance being my preferred subjects. I've found a couple knitting blogs I enjoy, and several food blogs where I like to look at the photos, but for the most part, my hobbies aren't that interesting to read about. I've been suffering a lack of people to talk about these particular topics to, mostly because I'm very isolated right now, but also because R isn't terribly interested in them. I find this frustrating. R finds it frustrating that I don't care about the trailers for games that aren't coming out for another two years, so we have a "Really, I don't care, and I'm not going to pay attention" agreement. Which was fine when I actually saw people and got to talk to them during the day, but isn't working so well for me now. When R gets home from work, he mostly wants to relax, and for him, that means reading manga, or playing games, or basically spending some time by himself. Whereas I have spent the day trying to keep my mind busy around the house, which is not terribly stimulating now that my garden's asleep, and I want nothing more than to socialize. Having the introvert go to work while the extrovert stays home is absolutely maddening. Most of my friends here are still employed, and the few who aren't are taking classes or have kids. Phone and internet conversations help, but they're simply not the same. I have never been this isolated. I need people time, but I also need to not spend money. Really, I need the paperwork to be done so I can move and start work again. When I had a job, R and I made dinner together, and ate together, and then spent the evening amusing ourselves individually. Sometimes we'd play multiplayer games, but for the most part, we did our own thing. My computer was in the teddy bear bedroom, and his was in the (unfinished) basement. Now, both laptops are in the living room, and I can usually only manage an hour of him being in the basement before I ask him to come back upstairs so I'm not alone. It's ridiculous and clingy and frustrating, and I'm getting really tired of it. I'm sure R is too.
So anyway, I'm debating whether to talk about the stuff I read here, or not. I have a lot to say, but I don't know that I want it all on the internet, forever.
It seems I've spent too long typing, and now my right hand hurts. So I'll think about it some more, I guess.
I'm behind on my photo posting. This is probably because I'm living a very boring, isolated life right now, and I'm having a hard time finding things worth photographing. I'm not even cooking fancy food these days, because fancy ingredients cost, and until the house sells, we're going with cheap and simple. Soup, although delicious, is not exactly exciting to look at.
To supplement my knitting, I've been doing a lot of reading. Since most of my books are now with Parents 1.0, I've turned to the glorious world of blogs, with feminism and fat acceptance being my preferred subjects. I've found a couple knitting blogs I enjoy, and several food blogs where I like to look at the photos, but for the most part, my hobbies aren't that interesting to read about. I've been suffering a lack of people to talk about these particular topics to, mostly because I'm very isolated right now, but also because R isn't terribly interested in them. I find this frustrating. R finds it frustrating that I don't care about the trailers for games that aren't coming out for another two years, so we have a "Really, I don't care, and I'm not going to pay attention" agreement. Which was fine when I actually saw people and got to talk to them during the day, but isn't working so well for me now. When R gets home from work, he mostly wants to relax, and for him, that means reading manga, or playing games, or basically spending some time by himself. Whereas I have spent the day trying to keep my mind busy around the house, which is not terribly stimulating now that my garden's asleep, and I want nothing more than to socialize. Having the introvert go to work while the extrovert stays home is absolutely maddening. Most of my friends here are still employed, and the few who aren't are taking classes or have kids. Phone and internet conversations help, but they're simply not the same. I have never been this isolated. I need people time, but I also need to not spend money. Really, I need the paperwork to be done so I can move and start work again. When I had a job, R and I made dinner together, and ate together, and then spent the evening amusing ourselves individually. Sometimes we'd play multiplayer games, but for the most part, we did our own thing. My computer was in the teddy bear bedroom, and his was in the (unfinished) basement. Now, both laptops are in the living room, and I can usually only manage an hour of him being in the basement before I ask him to come back upstairs so I'm not alone. It's ridiculous and clingy and frustrating, and I'm getting really tired of it. I'm sure R is too.
So anyway, I'm debating whether to talk about the stuff I read here, or not. I have a lot to say, but I don't know that I want it all on the internet, forever.
It seems I've spent too long typing, and now my right hand hurts. So I'll think about it some more, I guess.
15 December 2009
In which apathy turns to motivation, somehow
Now that the house is (mostly) clean, and all the stuff is (mostly) sorted, and after the chaotic two weeks that resulted in this state; I cannot get motivated. Part of it is uncertainty; there are a lot of details regarding this move that can't be dealt with until all my immigration paperwork is done. I have no power or responsibility in the paperwork, as the university is taking care of it. This means that I have no deadlines, and no idea what stage it's at or how much longer it's likely to take. I tentatively have somewhere to live when I move, assuming I can move in January. Added to that is the uncertainty that we can't know when the house is going to sell. Hopefully very very soon, but it's the wrong time of year, and the economy isn't helping. We should have put it on the market as soon as I got laid off, I guess, but selling in the summer would have had it's own large list of problems.
Selling the car is my current anxiety. We need to be rid of it, as soon after the holidays as possible, so that we don't have to keep paying insurance on it. I'm barely driving it anywhere these days, and insuring a car that's just sitting in the garage seems pretty absurd. I have gotten response on the car, though, and the craigslist ad has only been up for a day, so that's looking a little more promising.
Mostly I think I'm exhausted. This past year and a half hasn't been what it was supposed to be at all. Buying a house shouldn't involve 6 months of potential lawsuits because the seller is a jerk. Starting a career shouldn't involve nonstop worrying about layoffs. My old car shouldn't have been totaled, and the first year of marriage shouldn't be this unhappy. Luckily, R and I deal well with adversity, so all this insanity hasn't damaged our relationship. I do feel cheated, though, of the "honeymoon" phase most of my recently married friends seemed to enjoy. We didn't get any time to simply enjoy being us, because within a month of R moving here, the car was totaled and we were dealing with the $6k debt left to us by the seller, and by the time all that was taken care of, my company was up to layoff round number 4, and I was feeling constantly doomed. I planned 4 separate honeymoons, and we didn't get to take any of them, because bad stuff kept happening.
At the same time, it feel ridiculous to complain, because my bad stuff is so middle-class American. I haven't ever worried about putting food on the table, or having to drop my dogs at a shelter, or wondering if I can run the heat today. I don't have to worry about local violence, or running out of water, or whether the people I care about will survive the winter. I'm moving across the ocean for an amazing opportunity (and also health care! and public transportation! and no more expectation of putting in unpaid overtime!) to further my education, broaden my career opportunities, experience living in a different culture from my own, and to travel. A lot of travel. I totally wouldn't have this opportunity if I hadn't been laid off, so I hope it's worth all the stress.
It was also nice to be able to sit down and think about where I really want my life to go. Without this past year, I don't think I'd be so sure that going back to school is absolutely what I want to do. It took several months of applying to all sorts of jobs and schools before I figured it out, and my experience as an industry engineer was certainly very helpful in that. I liked industry, but I love studenthood. I realize I can't be a student forever, since I'm not the child of multi-millionaires, but I do appreciate that at least for the next 4 years, I can be a student again.
Assuming I can get everything ready in time. I think I'll go vacuum the car.
Selling the car is my current anxiety. We need to be rid of it, as soon after the holidays as possible, so that we don't have to keep paying insurance on it. I'm barely driving it anywhere these days, and insuring a car that's just sitting in the garage seems pretty absurd. I have gotten response on the car, though, and the craigslist ad has only been up for a day, so that's looking a little more promising.
Mostly I think I'm exhausted. This past year and a half hasn't been what it was supposed to be at all. Buying a house shouldn't involve 6 months of potential lawsuits because the seller is a jerk. Starting a career shouldn't involve nonstop worrying about layoffs. My old car shouldn't have been totaled, and the first year of marriage shouldn't be this unhappy. Luckily, R and I deal well with adversity, so all this insanity hasn't damaged our relationship. I do feel cheated, though, of the "honeymoon" phase most of my recently married friends seemed to enjoy. We didn't get any time to simply enjoy being us, because within a month of R moving here, the car was totaled and we were dealing with the $6k debt left to us by the seller, and by the time all that was taken care of, my company was up to layoff round number 4, and I was feeling constantly doomed. I planned 4 separate honeymoons, and we didn't get to take any of them, because bad stuff kept happening.
At the same time, it feel ridiculous to complain, because my bad stuff is so middle-class American. I haven't ever worried about putting food on the table, or having to drop my dogs at a shelter, or wondering if I can run the heat today. I don't have to worry about local violence, or running out of water, or whether the people I care about will survive the winter. I'm moving across the ocean for an amazing opportunity (and also health care! and public transportation! and no more expectation of putting in unpaid overtime!) to further my education, broaden my career opportunities, experience living in a different culture from my own, and to travel. A lot of travel. I totally wouldn't have this opportunity if I hadn't been laid off, so I hope it's worth all the stress.
It was also nice to be able to sit down and think about where I really want my life to go. Without this past year, I don't think I'd be so sure that going back to school is absolutely what I want to do. It took several months of applying to all sorts of jobs and schools before I figured it out, and my experience as an industry engineer was certainly very helpful in that. I liked industry, but I love studenthood. I realize I can't be a student forever, since I'm not the child of multi-millionaires, but I do appreciate that at least for the next 4 years, I can be a student again.
Assuming I can get everything ready in time. I think I'll go vacuum the car.
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