In which apathy turns to motivation, somehow

Now that the house is (mostly) clean, and all the stuff is (mostly) sorted, and after the chaotic two weeks that resulted in this state; I cannot get motivated. Part of it is uncertainty; there are a lot of details regarding this move that can't be dealt with until all my immigration paperwork is done. I have no power or responsibility in the paperwork, as the university is taking care of it. This means that I have no deadlines, and no idea what stage it's at or how much longer it's likely to take. I tentatively have somewhere to live when I move, assuming I can move in January. Added to that is the uncertainty that we can't know when the house is going to sell. Hopefully very very soon, but it's the wrong time of year, and the economy isn't helping. We should have put it on the market as soon as I got laid off, I guess, but selling in the summer would have had it's own large list of problems.

Selling the car is my current anxiety. We need to be rid of it, as soon after the holidays as possible, so that we don't have to keep paying insurance on it. I'm barely driving it anywhere these days, and insuring a car that's just sitting in the garage seems pretty absurd. I have gotten response on the car, though, and the craigslist ad has only been up for a day, so that's looking a little more promising.

Mostly I think I'm exhausted. This past year and a half hasn't been what it was supposed to be at all. Buying a house shouldn't involve 6 months of potential lawsuits because the seller is a jerk. Starting a career shouldn't involve nonstop worrying about layoffs. My old car shouldn't have been totaled, and the first year of marriage shouldn't be this unhappy. Luckily, R and I deal well with adversity, so all this insanity hasn't damaged our relationship. I do feel cheated, though, of the "honeymoon" phase most of my recently married friends seemed to enjoy. We didn't get any time to simply enjoy being us, because within a month of R moving here, the car was totaled and we were dealing with the $6k debt left to us by the seller, and by the time all that was taken care of, my company was up to layoff round number 4, and I was feeling constantly doomed. I planned 4 separate honeymoons, and we didn't get to take any of them, because bad stuff kept happening.

At the same time, it feel ridiculous to complain, because my bad stuff is so middle-class American. I haven't ever worried about putting food on the table, or having to drop my dogs at a shelter, or wondering if I can run the heat today. I don't have to worry about local violence, or running out of water, or whether the people I care about will survive the winter. I'm moving across the ocean for an amazing opportunity (and also health care! and public transportation! and no more expectation of putting in unpaid overtime!) to further my education, broaden my career opportunities, experience living in a different culture from my own, and to travel. A lot of travel. I totally wouldn't have this opportunity if I hadn't been laid off, so I hope it's worth all the stress.

It was also nice to be able to sit down and think about where I really want my life to go. Without this past year, I don't think I'd be so sure that going back to school is absolutely what I want to do. It took several months of applying to all sorts of jobs and schools before I figured it out, and my experience as an industry engineer was certainly very helpful in that. I liked industry, but I love studenthood. I realize I can't be a student forever, since I'm not the child of multi-millionaires, but I do appreciate that at least for the next 4 years, I can be a student again.

Assuming I can get everything ready in time. I think I'll go vacuum the car.